Crazy Tourist Questions
Here are some questions received by Australians from foreigners, along with some smart ass replies.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir play every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You’re a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first!
Q: Can I find the terrorist “George Fernandez” in Queensland ? ( from Moronic Anko san from Japan)
A: Yes, but you will find plenty more at Kings Cross (Melbourne). You have to come naked, we don’t want any surprise for the girls.
If I had a pound for every time a tourist has stopped me in Edinburgh and asked “What time is the one o’clock gun fired?” I’d be a millionaire.
Some tourists are universally dumb I guess.
and they wonder why a majority of australian men are still single.
i live in new york and my favorite one is still, were the buildings always this tall?
This was a version of the Canadian one sorry to break it to you, it was about the 2010 Olympics.
I worked at an amusement park and we had a name for stupid tourists. Tourons (tourist + moron)
No lawrence it wasn’t, the 2010 olympics are held at kings cross just before the hippo races.
I’m from San Francisco. I once heard tourist discussing the Golden Gate Bridge. One asked, “Why did they repaint it red?”
I have had people come up to me, and ask where a certain place is and it is right in front of them and they still can’t see it.
ACTUALLY, its vegemite spread all over the face that keeps the drop bears away
Comment by Strange on September 30th, 2008 : and they wonder why a majority of australian men are still single.
Erm, time to change hands, strange. This is called ‘taking the piss.’ It occurs before, during and after the hippo races.
If Australians are this rude to tourists, I don’t want to visit!
Funny, I liked this alot.
Although I must say, Australians have NO room to tell Americans how to speak English.
We’re both former colonies who developed our own dialect.
Plus… we still run the god damn world.
Sorry, Brits, for making you our bitch.
….and I wasn’t calling Aussies Brits. Sorry I wasn’t clear.
You’re both our bitches.
Simple Instruction “now turn to face the front of the plane”
I over heard some blonde girl saying “surely that depends what way I am facing just now?”
Why did they paint it red?
I’ve actually had tourists in my home town ask me where the ocean is from a point next to the beach where I could SEE the ocean!
To those Australians who have been driven crazy by some Americans…..sorry some do forget to insert the disk before downloading or uploading the mouth controls. Brains come seperate. snicker
can you send me venomous duck beaver
I heard some good ones while I lived in Alaska and the tourists would come up during the summer, my favorite was, ” Excuse me, when will they turn on the Northern Lights?”
Reply to Hippo Racer’s comment: Sorry to correct you, but americans can’t/don’t speak English, most even struggle with american. And by “rule the world”, im guessing you mean east coast to west coast, not worldwide? Because thats all the area that your “World Series” in baseball covers, so 1 must assume that either a)your “world” is a lot smaller than ours, or b) your an arrogant self-important yank with no sense of humour…hmm
oh Christ…I feel obligated to apologize for how incredibly retarded all Americans seem to be when they go touring. It’s like some George Bush part of the brain is awakened and we start yelling things like “BRING ME A STEAK” and “WHERE ARE THE KANGAROO FIGHTS” or whatever the hell.
You’re all ignorant to the fact that idiots are worldwide (I’ve lived in several countries, therefore I believe my point to be valid, because I’ve had stupid questions from all kinds of people who reside in different regions of the world), so…. I propose an IQ test must be completed and hat should determine whether or not a person should recieve a passport.
PS take a joke every once and a while, even if its to laugh at yourself…imbecils
yes I missed a letter in my comment……it happens…deal with it
Hey! I’m an arrogant, self-important yank! I take offense to that! But seriously, American media is so warped that it truly seems like we do run the world. If we read the foreign press we learn so much more about what’s really happening in our own country. Besides, the “World Series” also includes a couple of Canadian teams, so it’s valid.
Ah, nice to know that Australians retained their British humour… High-five Lil20TwenTwen!
Mike – er, two letters, actually.
Hippo Racer, you’re one of the dumb, snobby Americans that I despise.
I apologize to everyone else. Not all people from the United States are as pompous as he/ she is.
Americans may have their own accents and spelling, but the rules of English grammar still apply.
Julie: If you’re as ignorant as these people, I doubt you’d be missed.
Being a Brit.I’ll leave all this petty squabbling to the colonials amongst you all.
God Save The Queen.
Howdy, Ya’ll….I live in Oklahoma and people on the coasts still think we all ride horses and say ‘Yee-Haw!’
re: Lil20TwenTwen “World Series” comment.
Checkout http://www.roadsidephotos.com/baseball/name.htm
Americans are more ignorant than arrogant. They want to be loved and live in a society so large and diverse in many respects that their nation seems like the world to them.
I speak as a US/Canadian/British/Euro citizen.
It is a fine thing to make jokes at stereotypes but to take stereotypes as true is the true mark of the ignoramus.
Maybe I’m wrong (I am an American and all), but aren’t the most poisonous snakes in the world found in Australia.
Sorry, Americans also have their own rules about grammar. Please don’t mistake what they say for English
A good number of Australian snakes are poisonous. Below is a link to a website by the Australian DECC explaining this fact. I hope no one tries to pet an Australian snake because of this blog!
http://www.environment.nsw.gov.au/plantsanimals/Snakes.htm
I was driving my kangaroo down to the where the dingos play to get my baby back and chuck another prawn on the barbie when I was breatho’d by the fuzz and had to leave my kangaroo on the side of the track and walk home to my tin shed.
American is not a language, although some linguistically-challenged people do tend to use it that way. It is an adjective used to describe nouns that are in some way related to the Americas.
I’m American, and even I know that.
We do speak the English language here-American English.
I live in an area where tourists frequent and am well-versed in customer service. MOST people in an unfamilar place behave as if they don’t have a clue. It has more to do with human nature than nationality.
I found this site amusing until it turned into a battle over the correct use of English.
the internet is an amazing tool for finding out how many tools there are in this world
Not so intelligent, my “intelligent American” friend. Snakes are venomous.
Not very funny. Not very funny at all and these “smart ass” replies were stupider than the questions. I hope you wake up with cancer
Ok, I read through all the comments and YIKES! Can’t people take a joke any more? I am an American, and I love my country, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take a joke and enjoy some Aussie humor (or humor from any country for that matter). No wonder our world will never achieve world peace! Change out the name of the country, the animals and reptiles and you could be talking about any country in the world! LOL I thought the the posting was a riot! So, the hippo races . . . do you race them against the drop bears?
I’m from Australia, and i found this hilarious, if you took offense to any of this, its because you don’t understand Aussie humour. Some people just need to think before they open their mouth or use a bit of common sense
I like how some americans is trying to defend the ignorance on here and all they do is fuel the fire of sterotyping.
Funny, I liked this alot.
Although I must say, Australians have NO room to tell Americans how to speak English.
We’re both former colonies who developed our own dialect.
Plus… we still run the god damn world.
Sorry, Brits, for making you our bitch.
Comment by HIppo Racer on September 30th, 2008
So how is this running of the world working for you these days?
I guess you expect the rest of the world to pay for your excellent financially planning, like we have to do do in Iraq and Afghanistan.
eck america is the only country in the WORLD!!!! That allows the assimilation of some many races. Most of which are refugees. Thank the lord for America
Eh the only opinons on here of value are American ones :/
We shouldn’t bicker amongst ourselves; British, American, or Australian… even Canadian I think that we can all agree that America is the shit. Furthermore the reason why the world series is only in America is because nobody else in the world is enough of a bad ass to even begin to compete. And we could have avoided all of this bullshit if England had just let us (America) have a seat in Parliament so yeah take that and what not.
Fuckers
I thought this blog was really funny…and maybe I am the only one who actually read it…but these “stupid” questions come from a lot of different countries…not just the US…or didn’t anyone else notice? Take a chill pill…it’s funny..just appreciate good humor when it comes around for goodness sakes…
@Thomas, you Americans started the war in iraq and Afghanistan, we are simply trying to help to support your efforts because our governments agree with you (I do not).
This is a funny/humorous post and any nation that cannot take a few jokes against it is obviously defective. As a welsh man I’ve had to deal with sheep jokes over the years, scots have to deal with jokes about themselves (they are all misers for one), Americans, in general, seem to have lost the ability to laugh at themselves.
Milander: Sheep “jokes”?
AFY: Canadians play in the “World” Series. They never win, but hey, you’re loading up with all the good Puerto Rican players. But you’re right – America is the shits. Um. Or did you mean “America is shit”? You guys keep dropping letters out of words – colour, favour, traveller… King George should have let you into parliament – would’ve served you right, too.
Mama: Up your meds. Happy thoughts.
James: Antioxidants in the paint. Happy thoughts.
How about we just agree to laugh at each others’ dialects and cultural foibles, and not actually get upset when others do the same to us?
God Save Ireland.
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*ahem*
Whine whine whine. My country is better than yours. Let’s argue on the internet, because it MATTERS. Oh wait, sorry, no one else cares what your opinion is. And yes, I realize the hypocrisy inherent in my statement.
Great, now that I’ve finished my obligatory trolling…
It’s obviously ’shopped. I can tell from the pixels, and from having seen quite a few ’shops in my time.
Cheers, Milander.