Crazy Tourist Questions
Here are some questions received by Australians from foreigners, along with some smart ass replies.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir play every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You’re a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first!
Q: Can I find the terrorist “George Fernandez” in Queensland ? ( from Moronic Anko san from Japan)
A: Yes, but you will find plenty more at Kings Cross (Melbourne). You have to come naked, we don’t want any surprise for the girls.
Hmmmm, well methinks America does run the world. AMERICA FUCK YEAH!!!!
Yeah, seriously. Just because I all the time hear the British and Ozzies making fun of America and it’s people and it’s president and it’s cars and it’s culture and it’s collective IQ doesn’t necessarily mean I think they are all bad. Actually, I think I am going to move to the UK and become an encyclopedia salesman!
Ch-ears
Hahahaha funny… it’s truly amazing and very interesting! thanks for the share!
Absolutely hilarious. Thanks.
Hahahaha, hilarious. Being an arrogant American myself, I still love to see this kind of stuff.
Roo – so funny
yay, less than half the comments were from the US! We’re getting better!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to masturbate instead of watch the presidential debate.
Anyone offended by this post is way too serious.
………..a proud but humble american.
Is it true that yoghurt is the closest thing you have to a culture in Horse-stray-lee-yah?
I work at a store in England. I hate american wankers. Always asking dumb questions.
A Haiku in defense of America.
America is
the greatest country ever.
So go fuck yourself.
You all weird! Thought it was funny and lets see, hmm its still called english isnt it? Maybe American English but still English! Get a sense of humor guys, you can buy everthing else on ebay! LMAO
Oh thank god. I read this on another site the other day and they had 90 degrees instead of 180 on the South/North thing; I wanted to slap someone upside the head.
Boy ayo gah sum serious issues up in here! It was simply meant as a joke, tis not their fault if most of the questions come from da US.Breathe, Stretch, Shake and LET IT GO! Tis like if ayo ain gah a war (apparently physical or verbal……. or textual lol) ayo ain goin feel good. JAH MAN!!!
As a person looking forward to hosting the 2010’s I must remember this Little Rule when asked if that is Mt. Fuji not to fall over laughing! After all spending 10 hrs on a plane looking at Mt Fuji doesn’t mean you have gone anywhere
@Steve
The other site must have been an American one!! LOL